


Crossed Calls: Being the Short Explanation of the Nature of Celestial Telephony and Various Related Matters

by Reyahtess



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley Was Raphael Before He Fell (Good Omens), Telephone Systems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 17:49:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20393704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reyahtess/pseuds/Reyahtess
Summary: Azriaphale has a moment of doubt before his call to a higher authority and accidentally summons someone else.





	Crossed Calls: Being the Short Explanation of the Nature of Celestial Telephony and Various Related Matters

** A.Z.Fell And Co. Bookshop **

“_There aren’t any right people. There’s just God. Moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us. ——You’re so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid?_”

The words echoed in Azriaphale’s mind as he closed the shop and pulled the rug off of celestial portal. He can still see the pain in Crowley’s face and hear it in his voice as the memory replays over again in his mind.

_What if he is right? What if SHE will not answer? What if her answer is exactly what Gabriel and Michael said: “the point is not to avoid the war”? Is there anyone else to call?_

His own doubts take shape and he tries to push them aside, still believing in HER — even if not the Great Plan. He needs to speak to someone who can stop this, put everything right. It was what heaven was for after all.

“Hello. This is the Principality Aziraphale. I’m looking for . . . um. A Higher Authority. Is there anybody there?” The angel begins, before being interrupted by a knock.

“We’re Closed!” He hollers to the door before turning to the portal. In that moment, the doubts creep back in. What he says surprises himself:

“I need to speak to the Archangel Raphael!”

As he says this, the celestial portal begins to glow in different colors and the sounds of a telephone ring back fills the shop.

* * *

**V.O. God**

You see the thing about celestial portals is that you have to be really, really, really, _really_ specific about who you want to summon — else it’s highly likely that the “call” will get misplaced or misrouted. In another version of this moment perhaps Aziraphale starts out with the intention to speak to me, however, because of how he phrased things, “higher authority” and “to the top”, he ends up speaking to The Metatron. This would be proper and correct because in appointing The Metatron as my “voice” his “number” became the highest publicly available “number” people can “call” [1] \- instead of mine[2].

So when this last minute change to call occurred it was a whole lot more precise in its request. A specific individual being who could be summoned to answer the call. However, it is important to note a few key facts:

Firstly, As far as heaven is concerned the Archangel Raphael is “missing”. Shortly after the fall, all that is found of the Healer is a one pure white feather of his alongside a note reading “Sorry”. While Raphael occasionally shows up in the logs as performing healing miracles, he hasn’t been in heaven proper since leaving[3]. And no-one in heaven had been successful in summoning him before now[4].

Secondly, the nature of a celestial summoning being what it is — sometime the wires get crossed[5]. It should also be noted that celestial calls are not limited in the same way normal telephone systems are. That is to say a celestial portal can call into any other known communication system. This makes it very efficient for Heavenly purposes[6].

Lastly, as far as the Archangel Raphael, as he was known, was aware — he couldn’t receive such celestial calls anymore. This however was a misconception.

* * *

** Crowley’s Telephone System **

“_CROOOOOOOWWWWWLLLEEEYYYYYYYY! You can’t escape me! Wherever you come out, I’ll come out too!_” Hastur hollered down the line.

Crowley focuses on the count “_three… two… one..”_ and then sets himself to appear out of the telephone answering machine while leaving Hastur trapped.

However, just as he reaches one he feels a tug at the core of his and is pulled through the system in a different direction than he intended and vanishes in a moment of pure white light.

The answering machine clicks off, and the flat is silent.

* * *

** V.O. God **

What Crowley/Raphael did not realize, was his so-called fall was nothing like Lucifer’s.

Following the rebellion and the first falls, the Healer was distressed and prayed to heal the fallen[7].

There is an old saying “God Answers All Prayers”, which comes with the subtext that it is not always a verbal answer[8]. In the Healer’s case, his answer came in the form of a slight stumble. As he intended to go down to hell to offer aid and comfort, it was obvious how the other Archangels would interpret his actions. So after leaving his pristine feather and a note, he headed to do what he saw as his duty. However, when he reached the stairs, a slight shift in the position of heaven resulted in a moment’s loss of balance, and the Healer began his Fall over the edge into Hell. 

The incidental nature of the Fall, as well as the inherent faith and the holiness of his actions, all worked to keep the Healer intact, despite the boiling sulfur. Unlike the new Demons, the core of his being remained the same - even if the visual presentation had changed[9].

Now all of this important because, in a few moments a call will connect and truths will be revealed. The not-so-fallen Archangel shall be pulled into a celestial portal and the Divine light shall reveal the truth underneath[10]. Truths Aziraphale and Crowley will discover together.

* * *

>   1. What is referred to as “numbers” and “calls” here are rather more metaphorical. Yet more effective, given the complexity of explaining celestial physics and communications systems. We shall leave that to the theologians and philosophers to debate, now that such questions as “How many Angels can dance on the head of a pin?”, have already been answered.[back]
>   2. This has naturally saved a lot of time in the course of events - if obviously being a bit off putting for those who seek to communicate directly with me.[back]
>   3. The ‘leaving’ here being something more like saunter that looked like a fall.[back]
>   4. Not that Aziraphale is aware of this fact. The remaining Archangels had been rather put out by being ignored by their sibling that they did not publicize the knowledge. Hence all of the host believing him “missing”.[back]
>   5. It is just ineffable, and taken for granted that some celestial calls go where they ought to go instead of where they were intended. Including that when Gabriel calls, he seems to find the voicemail or the Metatron.[back]
>   6. Also hellish, given that they use much the same system as heaven. However, that doesn’t say they are any better targeting their calls either: given that Dagon regularly calls Crowley on his radio instead of cell phone - regardless of numerous notes requesting otherwise.[back]
>   7. His actual prayer “Why must they suffer LORD?” a favorite mantra of my Healer. Which would later become “I know you’re testing them, you said you were going to be testing them. But you shouldn’t test them to destruction…”. Always prayers of mercy for others.[back]
>   8. None of them are spoken answers - it takes way too much time and makes it very hard to remain ineffable and mysterious if you go around explaining everything all the time.[back]
>   9. The darkening of Wings and the change of eyes was necessary to protect the Healer in the new domain of Hell. As demons do not keep their Wings it later became important for him to disguise them from reality altogether. The ability to shape-shift not at all new to him, but forced out by the sulfur pool.[back]
>   10. Well not underneath per-se, think under occult paint which is super difficult to get out except via Divine Light.[back]

**Author's Note:**

> So this was just a random thought that demanded to be written. Still working out how to go from here.


End file.
